Consumed

Nick, I let your post linger at the top for a few days, and I feel like I want to exorcise it. Burn some incense inside those paragraphs, watch the demons that are idling in CA trickle out. What else is there to do when support is so far away? There is always the mail, as I learned in the past year. It is no replacement for the quiet moments two people share, but it can substitute for some time. So in short, you'll get some mail soon. You're so...resilient.

As an experiment some time, everyone should click the "Next Blog" button at the top. The plethora of vegan/vegetarian/baking blogs is pretty humbling. And yet the veg ones are nice to read. I feel like I'm back in the community cabin. Everyone here is accepting/accomodating of my eating habits, but it's not the same without tasting kale and quinoa that other people cook and offer to you.

Brian's brother and his fiancee asked me to make them a cupcake spread for their wedding. This happened yesterday. The wedding is on May Day. Lots of work, but lots of love, and I was very excited and honored. Lately I've been stuck on cupcakes.They seem so approachable compared to my fondant/krispie/sponge cake animals.

I like eating food that other people make me. But I love making it and sharing it more. I love reading books that other people write. But when I try to write one it just doesn't happen (see National Novel Writing Month 09). Does anyone feel the same way? I know my career path provides for the flexibility of writing (see Beverly Cleary, children's librarian and novel-writer extraordinaire), but maybe I need something extra to really enter author territory. I fill notebooks, but only with snippets and blurbs. Where is the grand design for it all? Maybe I'm lazy.

I think this blog should be required as part of the Life After Americorps packet. Venn Diagrams. Five Year Plans. Real, true, freaking out post-service. I think that non-Americorps people say a lot of things during service about sacrifice and how wonderful it is to "give" a year to something bigger than yourself. But you (I) don't realize how much you actually gave until after the fact, when you can do the comparison of where you were vs. where you are and how you got there. When you're in it, you're in it, but afterwards the reflection is much deeper.

I had dinner the other night where a current Americorps member talked about living in the woods and how the water at their campsite was completely turned off for a few days before Christmas break. I didn't know other people lived in the woods. On the other hand these people have a vegetarian meal cooked for them 4 days a week, and not lodge-style vegetarian. A ping of jealousy flared there. But now I have multiple veggie cookbooks from Christmas and a full kitchen. So I can't complain. Even simple things like sliced tofu slightly fried in a cast iron skillet and smothered in ketchup and garlic are still appreciated.

Gratuitous pictures:

I


Christmas cupcakes. Chocolate cake, white frosting is egg nog flavored buttercream with cinnamon dusting, Chocolate frosting is Bailey's Irish Cream frosting. Except for the one in the corner which is straight up chocolate (not everyone in the family is 21, and the alcohol in both of these buttercreams was dizzying.)

Contrary to popular belief my life is not all about food...I just like talking about it a lot.

I could use some kettle chips.

California is Kicking My Ass

Yeah! I'm glad people are finally updating again. I come here all the time to read about your lovely lives and am too often disappointed by the lack of info.

This is a picture of me in the last play I did ("The House of Blue Leaves"). This was taken during a dress rehearsal - so it's before I got my hair cut army style. But you can still get an idea.

I really do like this area. The abundance of theatre is incredible. I love the shows I've been doing. The city is really cool and holds a trove of wonderful little places. The people are really cool. My job is a lot of fun.

But things have not been easy for me out here. California being one of the worst states in the recession, it took me far too long to find work. The time I spent unemployed basically depleted my savings. Now that I do have a job I get paid far too little. My position is as a substitute aide. All that means is that I fill in for any staff member who is sick or in any classroom that just needs extra help. Basically I do the same job as everyone else and get paid half as much. When they hired me they said that substitutes usually get a permanent placement after about 2 months of being there. It's been 2 months, and I'm the next sub in line to move up - so hopefully that will happen soon.

Since money has been so tight (the cost of living out here is insane!) I have had to turn to some creative ways of making money. I sold my ipod on craigslist for some extra grocery money when I really needed it once. I sold a bunch of books and all 4 seasons of "Weeds" at Half Priced Books (I'm still holding on dearly to "Six Feet Under" though).

Before I had a job, I sold my camera on ebay. That one was hard to part with - it was my most prized possession - but in the end it was only a possession and I really needed the money. I sold the whole package - camera body, two lenses, memory card, tripod, camera bag, etc - all for about $600. A good deal for the buyer, but still hugely beneficial to me. I had never used ebay before. I had to set up a paypal account and learn how to do everything. Once I made the sale I received an email from paypal telling me that the buyer had paid the money, but that they wouldn't put it into my account until they got confirmation of shipping from me. So I mailed the package and gave paypal the tracking #. A few days went by and I still didn't get the money - which I desperately needed at that time - I did get a few emails from paypal explaining the delay though. And then I got an email from paypal stating that, since I was a first time user, I wasn't allowed to accept a payment under $1,000. They said that the buyer was willing to make the $1,000 payment, but that I would need to wire them $400 to make up the difference. That's when I realized that this was completely not right. I sent the emails to paypal who confirmed that they were indeed a scam. Apparently someone can send an email that says it's from paypal in the address bar and looks legit and everything and is completely fake. Needless to say I never saw my camera again or any of the money. Great.

Because money has been so tight I could no longer afford the apartment I was living in. So at the beginning of December I had to make a move. My last apartment was two miles from work, and I had to move 27 miles away. That's about a 45 minute to a one hour commute in the mornings due to horrendous traffic. That is by no means the worst thing about my new living situation though. I am renting a room from a middle aged woman who lives on the living room couch smoking cigarettes and watching tv all day. She has about 10?, 15?, 20? feral cats living in the house. The whole place reeks of cigarette smoke and cat piss. I can constantly smell it on my clothes and on my skin. I only hope that other people don't notice. It's also incredibly dirty. Almost every time I've wanted to take a shower I've had to clean cat shit out of the bathtub first. The woman's stroke victim mother also stays in the living room when she is not at the hospital. She is hooked to machines that beep when she needs something. I am often woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of the woman screaming obscenities at her mother because the beeping is keeping her awake.

On Christmas Eve I had a blast. One of my co-workers (California's very own Ms. Toccara) invited me out to karaoke for her birthday. I figured that she just invited everyone at work (or most people anyway), but it turns out that it was just three of us from work (including her). That made me feel pretty special, and we had a lot of fun.

Christmas day was not nearly as fun. I spent it with my friend that drives me crazy. He hasn't been as bad lately, but still. He invited people over to his house that he knew were going to be alone for Christmas. I didn't know the other two guys that came (and he only sort of knew them), but we all pitched in and had a nice dinner. All of the other guys really like to play board games and strategy games and card games. If it's not charades or pictionary or something like that then I'm not really that into games. But I acquiesced and played a couple of long and terribly boring games with them. Then we decided to go see a movie. Now, I have been waiting to see "Nine" for about a year now. Maybe longer I don't know. Ever since I knew it was going to be a movie I have been dying to see it. I love "8 1/2" and I love the stage version of "Nine" - so even though the movie isn't getting great reviews, I'm pretty sure that I will still love it. I was, however, outvoted and forced to see "Sherlock Holmes". That movie sucked.

For the last week or so my car engine has been doing some funny things. So I have been trying not to drive it too much until I could get it looked at this next week. Because of that I didn't drive to my friends house. I just drove to the closest BART station (local rail system) and took that to his house. We got out of the movie too late for BART to still be running so my friend drove me to my car. When we got there I found out that my driver's side window had been busted out and my car broken into. Merry Christmas! They stole a tin full of change and my sleeping bag from the trunk, but there wasn't anything too expensive in there for them to steal.

Now I still have to get my engine fixed AND I have to replace the window (which is not covered by my insurance). So once again its the end of the month and I'm wondering how I'm going to make rent (even in this shit-hole room). It doesn't help that this is all happening during the 2 week school winter break where I DON'T GET PAID AT ALL. I'm sure everything will work out though. It always seems to.

Emily, don't let this scare you from coming out here. It's still lots of fun, and you should definitely come - even though none of the bars seem to have Blue Moon, even when they have a picture of it on their wall.

My name is Nick. I'm feeling stressed, but still happy. And my goal is get my car fixed and find a nicer place to live and someday own a grumpy bulldog. Go one.

The weather here has been...decidedly un-Georgia like. It snowed in early December, then again on my birthday, and only the rain last night finally started to erase the accumulation on the ground. I always wanted snow on my birthday as a kid, and I only really got that once. For the past two years snow on my birthday has been a pain. That's how it goes, right?

My job is exhausting. And low-paying. I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of reviewing mental ledgers, and I would be even crazier about it if I weren't so tired all the time. There was something to be said for the ratio of kids to staff at IH. When there are 16 kindergarteners and two adults, you start to feel like oak tree being used as base for a 16 person indoor game of tag. Run, run away from someone who's chasing you, tell the oak tree he pushed you, run again, trip, fall, demand a spiderman ice pack from the oak tree. I like the kids. I like the potential I have in working with them, the way that they respond to books (sometimes) and crafts (sometimes) but the constant noise can wear on a person. Then again it's sweet to just sit down and draw dinosaurs, unicorns, fairies, princesses and horses for hours.

School starts in mid-January (after the day on not day off) and that's nerve-wracking too. It's crazy to me how little I thought about the scholastic side before I started college. It wasn't good, but it was certainly helpful in terms of assuaging self-doubt. I forget how to go to school, I think. My sister bought me an 8 pocket folder. My path is clear. I just wish I could merge more excitement in. I went to my orientation and marveled over how easily people walked up to each other and introduced themselves, talked about where they were from and why they were here. I keep to myself in those situations. It's always been like that. Without a check in, I can't bring myself to even say my name out loud. Thank you, name tag. Hopefully once classes begin I'll emerge from the cocoon I am holding tightly closed. If only I could commute like a butterfly. Parking is expensive.

I didn't realize how tightly wound I was until I wrote all of this down. That used to happen at IH too. I need to just cook some good veggie food and use my kick-ass new cake decorating airbrush (!) (thanks bf) to restore some self-esteem. Maybe buy some new notebooks.

I miss everyone...and Taco Mac. But my removal from Harbour food and limitless tortilla chips has done my body good. I am thinking about deep-frying some okra for my sister's dinner party tomorrow. I don't think it will be the same without everyone. Emily, if you move to the bay area I will just about cry thinking about you and Nick hanging out all the time. But I hope you do for that same reason. Frieeeeendship.

I want updates from everyone. I updated because Emily did. And it was depressing to see only one December post.

My name is Erinn, I'm feeling contemplative, aaaand my goal today is to make a really great tofu sandwich for lunch. Go one.

Back in ohio, though in all honesty it feels like I am going through the old moving somewhere new and trying to meet people stage, in my own hometown. Its alright, though im not sure how long it will last. I got a job tutoring Toledo Public School kids. mostly kindergartners but also 10th grade geometry, thats a little scary. Its nice to see that all of us posting on this site have found jobs in the realm of education.. that tugs at my heart.

Currently im staying in this big old old house alone (mansion denoting) with 11 animals while the family is away. Its very nice to have the place to myself though I am not as productive as I should be. Its time to start applying to jobs for the spring or summer.. as much as my heart is in Ohio the mountains are calling me... anyways its kinda scary though because im not in the best part of town and just a little over a month ago there was an intruder in the house (member stacy? she practically walked right into him and he fell down the stairs). The most frightening thing is he didn't steal anything and it looked as if he wasn't going to, he was just hiding out in the little girls bedroom at 10pm. Lucky the girl was sleeping with her mom that night! ahh. jeez now im giving myself the creeps.

while working on a farm in northen cal I fell for a 32 year old drunken skateboarding midget (hes my height) - though we havn't kept in touch and hes drunk all the time so it will never work out just thought it was news worthy

I traveled for 2 solid months with not once staying in a hotel. Id like to post some pics up from my trip but I'm too lazy and broke to get them developed.. but when I do...

Anyways life is great though lonely at times. I havn't started work yet and I havn't found the right project yet to fulfill me. I got back Saturday and im already bored... im such a little kid.

I think I am going to move to the bay area if I can get around to raising enough money and getting a job.

if I havnt shown you toledo is awesome...
http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid=115443531746326888777.000466c032373f2fb1de1

also
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs2j8f7H2WY

other news. im really into making my bed these days. thats new too. I have my own room for the first time since before GA. its fucking amazing

all the world's a stage

It's getting kind of late here, but I can't sleep yet. So I thought I'd update on here. I'm sure I'll regret this in the morning.

"The House of Blue Leaves" is two weeks into its three week run, and we've gotten a lot of good feedback from audiences and critics alike - although, many audience members do not know what to make of the show. It's a dark comedy. It's very funny, but parts of it are too dark for the comfort level of many people. There are a couple of parts that are just downright disturbing.

Here are links to a couple of reviews of the show. I've gotten positive mentions in both of them - in case you're interested in seeing them (both of my mentions are near the bottoms of the articles, if you just want to skip to that part).

http://www.insidebayarea.com/theater-museums/ci_13755117

http://www.rossmoornews.com/articles/2009/11/11/news/arts_and_leisure/charlie.txt

For the most part the shows have been running very smoothly. I did receive a semi-serious injury during a performance though. During opening weekend I hurt my right hand pretty badly, and it is taking its sweet time to heal. There is a part of the play where my character is getting arrested. My right hand is handcuffed, but I run away before my left is cuffed - leaving the rest of the handcuff hanging from my wrist. Right after that there is an explosion (from a bomb built by my character) and we are all thrown to the ground. During one performance, the hanging part of the handcuff was left open, and when I hit the ground the open part of the handcuff impaled the palm of my hand. I literally had to pull that part of the handcuff out of my hand onstage, and put pressure on the wound for the rest of the scene to keep from bleeding all over the stage. Luckily, the rest of the scene only lasted a couple of minutes, and I was able to keep most of the blood in my hand. The handcuff dug in pretty deep, and now there is a sizable hole in my hand and the surrounding areas are all black and purple. For a couple of days, I could not even use my right hand. But now it's starting to get better, and, even though it still hurts, I can at least use my hand.

My work in this show has been noticed, and it's already landed me another role. The artistic director for the theatre company liked my work in this show, and she thought that there was a role that I'd be good for in their next production (which she is directing). So she brought me a script to look over and asked me to audition, and what-do-you-know I got the part. So now I'm in one play and rehearsing another. Nice.

The next show is "Kimberly Akimbo". It's about a 16 year old girl who has that disease that makes your body age four times faster than it should. So even though the character Kimberly is 16 years old, she is played by a 64 year old woman. I will be playing a super nerdy and gloriously awkward 16 year old who is, essentially, her love interest.

Here's a fun bit of trivia: In all of the plays that I've done, I've never had to kiss onstage. (I have for scenes in acting classes, but I don't really count that.) After all, I don't usually play the romantic lead because I don't really have the romantic lead looks. However, for this show, the romantic lead is a nerdy, unpopular 16 year old - and that's a look I can pull off. So, to answer your question, yes: my first onstage kiss will be with a 64 year old woman.

While "The House of Blue Leaves" has allowed me to use my ever-so-charming Queens accent, "Kimberly Akimbo" is set in New Jersey. So, Erinn, I may be calling you up to get some advice on perfecting my Jersey dialect.

Okay, it's now after 1 o'clock in the morning. I have to be up for work in less than 6 hours. I should try falling asleep again.

November

Alex your posts sometimes make me feel like I am failing at being a helpful, productive member of the human race. I often come home from work exhausted, and I don't make good plans for educating the roomful of kindergarteners I am responsible for in an after-school environment. I will change that. I will. Although a failed experiment on Monday taught me just how difficult it is to teach a group of 5-year-olds how to tell time. Of all the arbitrary, somewhat abstract concepts in the human race, time-telling ranks pretty high. I remember Justin on Wicasa asking why there were sixty minutes in an hour. No one could answer. It's a pretty lame thing to say to a kid. "I don't know...there just are." It's along the lines of "Why? Because I said so!" which is another thing kids really don't appreciate hearing.

November is here, the weather is lingering in the fifties in NJ. I can't remember what it felt like in GA at this point. I think I was concentrating on the fact that I was completely overwhelmed service-wise. There's nothing like walking into a classroom to observe and being told to dive in. There's nothing like realizing that most of the kids don't know how to rhyme. There's nothing like having a successful 15 minute assistance session turn into a 2 minute tantrum which turns into an empty chair next to you. I am sometimes overwhelmed here but it's so different. Everyone knows how to rhyme.

There are some kids who are difficult. One who could conceivably wind up at an IH-type place if no solutions are figured out for him. I am frustrated by him, but not in the same way other people are. It raises my blood pressure when the other people I work with call him a bad kid. It led me into a playground argument when a random mom called him a bully to his face. I risk coming off as holier-than-thou in my stance on him and other kids when I find myself thinking that the middle of the venn diagram of my four year criminology degree and my year at IH have granted me a perspective that some other people don't have. But I can't be the only person besides his mother to see the light in this kid. There are others out there, I'm sure. If I had him in a real classroom setting I would probably feel less zen about it. So I guess I should appreciate the degree of perspective I have while trying my best to not judge others for their lack thereof. (Seriously, I'm trying. Tried. Still trying.)

There is Paint All Over My Hands Again

I finally started working a real job again. FINALLY. I really don't know what I would have done if I didn't start working now. I'm pretty much going to run out of money around the time that I get my first paycheck. Maybe even a little before. Yikes. Things are working out though.

I'm back in the classroom. I'm at a school for special needs kids - kids on the autism spectrum, mental and physical disabilities. At face value the job is almost exactly like that of an Inner Harbour counselor (with our AmeriCorps classroom aide/tutoring thrown in there). On paper, the duties are the same and the kids are displaying the same kinds of negative/aggressive behaviors. However, everything is manifested in a completely different way. Things seem a lot more tame here. Everything is sort of laid back - largely because the students are primarily laid back. Many of the students are non-verbal, and many of the ones that do talk don't always want to. There are students acting out; there are students running out of the classroom, but as a whole they are much more quick to de-escalate. They need a lot of prompts and redirection, but when directions are given the students just listen and comply.

I don't even feel like I can give an accurate description of how bizarre it seems. It's the exact same job with a completely different population of students. It is concurrently exactly the same and completely different. There is a staff member who looks and acts just like Ms. Toccara(only slightly more peppy). Her name is Pepper. All of the staff here go by their first names. There is also a boy named Justin who (the first time I heard anything about him) I heard described as a fashionista. His favorite thing to do is to play with the hair of one of those oversized Barbie heads made for doing their hair and makeup. Sound familiar? Boundaries is not a thing here. Mainly because a) these kids do not have (known) histories of sexual abuse like many of ours and b) many of them need to be physically moved or helped to do certain activities. What they have instead is "safe hands" which many students need to be reminded of often. Also, they take pictures of the students all the time. Mostly this was for the past two days of Halloween festivities, but it still feels weird to me that they can do that.

My play opens in less than a week. Opening night is next Thursday. Exciting! We have an all day tech rehearsal on Sunday and then dress rehearsals Monday through Wednesday. Things are starting to get a little tense - as they usually do so close to opening. I just don't like it when people start to get moody and yell at each other over stupid things (like they started to do at our last rehearsal). Hopefully they got that out of their system and things will run more smoothly from now on.

One of our actresses was diagnosed with swine flu on Tuesday. Well, that's what she said anyway. The director isn't so sure that she wasn't just lying to get out of the show. That actress missed half of the rehearsals to begin with and she wasn't that great. But luckily the part is pretty small and we found a much better actress who even looks more the part and is one hundred times funnier. So that's all good news.

Aww, listen. One of the actresses that I'm working with is writing a blog about her experiences of becoming a professional actress later in life. I knew that she had the blog, but hadn't been to it until last week. And I read some of her past entries and she had one where she wrote about me, and she was so nice. I don't know why people are so nice sometimes, but it was really touching. Here's the link if you want to see how some people are nicer than they should be allowed to be:

http://characteractress.blogspot.com/2009/10/off-book-huh.html

I'll be cutting all of my hair off in the next couple of days. I guess the army didn't do buzz cuts in 1965, but it will still be pretty short. We'll see how that goes.

Education is Liberation

That is the bumper sticker that I looked up to find after I just had this awesome discussion about Native Americans with my professor. It is funny because a couple of months ago I would have had quite different thoughts about Native Americans. However, since I have taken this class I actually feel a bit embarrassed about what I use to think. And I guess it was all summed up by that bumper sticker. It was pretty awesome.

I am a pretty goal oriented person as you guys probably know and I do like knowing what I am striving for. However, I have decided that for the rest of my life I will only have two main goals. 1. To be more educated than I was the day before. And I don't mean math or science education. I mean 'people' education. I want to understand people so that I don't judge people. I want to understand why they are the way they are. Too often people want to characterize people as this or that, and I am as guilty as anyone. I guess it is just human nature. But no one can be characterized. Everyone is complex and equally indescribable. I know this isn't earth shattering stuff. Everyone pretty much understand these things. But from now on, I want to live it. 2. I want to embody the word, 'magnanimous'. I want to have the best spirit that I can possibly have. I am sure that sounds ridiculous but that is my hope. I want to remove the pettiness from my life and just live. Life is too complex to understand, but if I can just live beautifully and accept everyone's beauty I might actually be able to accomplish something.

I know all of this is a bit jumbled and kind of crazy, but ever since I have made that commitment, things have been terrific. Instead of negative things getting me down, I have been using them to lift me up. It all started with a discussion about a kid I coach. He got in trouble and the other coaches were telling me he is a dumbass and that you can't help kids like that. And it dawned on me, they were full of shit. Not only is he an awesome kid, but he can be helped. And so I decided to approach everything this way. I don't agree with the coaches but I think everything the said was coming out of frustration because of their own life experiences. No one in the situation is any certain way. So to me, the best thing to do is to just live positively and show them what being positive can do.

Well I am not sure any of that makes any sense. I am not always the best at articulating my thoughts. Especially, hurrying through this while I sit at the library. And its not like I am saying anything new or anything. Instead, I am just saying that I finally made the move to living like this and it has been great. And with it, I am going to kick some ass....positively.

-Alex

current life in da U.P......eh!

So life up here has been nothing but amazing since I've been back. Up until a week ago I have been working random jobs with Adam, running around Marquette and neighborings counties, painting, drywall cleanup, floor clean up, farming, moving wood, spliting fire wood, spliting kiln wood, cooking, staining, primering, building a wood shed out of nothing but beautiful cedar that we stripped, set and then I almost single handedly cedar shank shingled the entire roof-and liked it :) and more that i can't think of right now!

All of this has been satisfying except for the fact Adam and I have been together none stop 24/7 since I got back, this can get a little intense and in fact leads to me becomeing irritated with him to the point of frustration!

So I set out on a job hunt! and to my excitement I actaully got hired and these people are in no way ready for what they have just done!!! The neat thing is is that I am a support counselor at the Great Lakes Recovery Center, and I will be working with youth ages 12-17, sound familar, who are there to recover from either alcohol or some type of drug, and of course figuring out family issues and regaining their self-esteem without addictive substances.

My first "real day" was yesterday and I really enjoyed it. It started out with music therapy, quite different from what we had at Inner Harbour, this music therapy included the Primary Counselor looking up different songs that talked about drugs, alcohol and/or abuse, printing out the lyrics and having the kids follow along and then relate the words and story in the song to their own lives. It was actaully pretty incredible, the kids responded great and the group went well.

I then read one of them the MEAP test. This is a Michigan school test then you have to take like 4 times at different ages, really quite stupid if you ask me, if reminded me of the tests our kids down south had to take, it was asking them impossible questions that anybody with a learning disorder or not normal child life would ever know or even care about!!!!! arg

Anyways, I believe that the food may be worse, if you can believe that. BLAH

Than after lunch we got to go the the UP Childrens Museum, and I got to play for 2 hours. Going down slides, dressing up in their theatre, play instruments, "fly" an airplane and so much more.

That was my first day in a large nutshell!!!



other than my new job experience that doesn't pay real well, I made more not having a real job and just working anywhere we wanted for 10-13 bucks an hour, now i make 8.50 poo poo

We, Adam and I, are in the planning stage, almost building stage, of building a house on wheels, and I'm very excited for that. It is going to be 8x15 with a loft, wood heat and small solar panels to start. Adam helped our friend Justin mill, (a saw mill) most of the wood that we need, and we have been gathering other materials, we are hoping that it goes up quick once we have everything that we need, hopefully this week!!!!!!!! yeah

Well I'm now being beckened to come and eat breakfast, so I shall update once construction begins. I miss all of you and can't wait to meet up again!! with love and memories cranberry girl

On parkas and people

Weather here has been truly gloomy. Cold rain and gray skies. Neither of which bode well for playgrounds, which is where you can maintain your sanity while working in a kindergarten. Without outdoor playtime cabin fever can become a truly terrifying thing.

I typed up a long post the other day and turned it into an e-mail instead. The jist of it was that after a Fall and Winter of living in my trunk in Douglasville I wore my parka for two days straight here. Well that was the less substantial jist. The other was about the appreciation for proximity and personal face-to-face contact and how I try (and seem to generally succeed at) appreciating what I missed for a year while living in the woods. Even this morning as I woke up in my room and thought about my day ahead I found pieces of relief that I would see people today that I knew. I could watch football for free instead of for the price of chips and salsa (sorry Taco Mac). My dog would be waiting on my couch and the NY Times Style section would be ready for my reading. I wouldn't have to brave the elements to get to where the coffee was. These are all the stuff of Sundays in NJ, they have been for a while. But maybe it took a year of some brutally lonely weekends for that appreciation to sink in.

Okay so the e-mailed version of this post focused on a person and not a day of the week. But that's why it was e-mailed.

On Friday night as I drove the almost-hour north to spend the night I listened to a CD Sterling made me last winter. Aside from "Someday I'll Be A Farmer" which I will always always always associate with Americorps people, there were songs that mostly reminded me of driving around the circle of Hartsfield Jackson and parking in the occasionally suspiciously empty parking deck. It was such a visceral memory, of the antsy waiting that I used to do, sitting in the hard chairs, moving from them to the crush of people all trying to outmaneuver the cordoned-off barriers to see the arriving passengers. It was once a month that I did this (give or take the ones where I flew or drove north) and now it's once or twice a week that I drive there. I hope I never forget or let slip away the feelings of appreciation that I have for all this time now.

But missing people goes both ways. And listening to other songs on the CD make me picture a trailer for a movie about the past year. I see mulch. I see the land on the trail before the bridge was made. I see gray sweatshirts and the kind of smiles that are genuine but that actors also do really well in movie trailers. Weekends were lonely and nights were too. But workdays were so shared that it's hard to imagine ever being closer with coworkers. I guess the difference between missing someone and some things from home is that when you go back there are some beautiful feelings and things that haven't changed. But going back to the past year is pretty impossible. A year-long commitment where almost everyone convenes and then dismisses can't be recreated or revived. If I went back to IH now it would be full of people who aren't the same as the ones I shared life and times with. Which makes nostalgia and missing people complicated, but somehow easier. I don't have those painful feelings that life back there is going on without me. Because technically it's going on without "us". And that's a much less isolating feeling.

November is National Novel Writing Month. I can't decide if that's an easier or more difficult month to participate in than No Processed Foods November. I mean, Thanksgiving is in November. And some of my favorite Thanksgiving foods are processed (I'm looking at you green bean casserole). Additionally the past year has provided more fodder for a novel than most people get in a decade.

We'll see.

I'd rather starve

Well I finally got a job last week. I went to one day of training and quickly said, 'no thank you'. It turned out to be a super shady company that loves money more than it loves things like integrity, honesty, dignity, and people.

But that's okay, because I got another job this week that is much better. I'll be working as a classroom aide at a school that solely serves special education kids. It should be challenging, but rewarding and fun too. I'm also still waiting to hear back from this middle school about a Detention Assistant position. I'd be monitoring In School Suspension kids and helping them with their homework. The big benefit of that position is that it pays very well. So we'll see. I'll be doing one of those jobs for sure. So I'm feeling better about things.

The play is a lot of fun. I get to do things like putting a nun into a compromising position, getting tackled by another nun, building a bomb, and frantically dancing like a crazy person. I also have a four page monologue that's one of the highlights of the show. I will, however, have to buzz my hair into a 1960's army cut very soon. I haven't had my hair that short since I was nine. So it should be interesting to see how that turns out.

I'm back to my pre-Texas diet. And it's about time. Meat is gross.

I'm getting ready to start reading 'Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close'. I can't wait.

Counting down the hours until I can see 'Where the Wild Things Are'.

Today it is raining . . .

. . . which means no digging in the soil, too wet, too wet. No politely arguing world issues (with the two anarchists and undecided Evan) or quietly geeking out about how plants grow and our identification with the female characters in Cold Mountain (Tim, the menonite preacher) and zero chances to listen to Rashid (former harvard grad, Clinton employee, trailer lving, beat up van driving, world travelling, blue tooth talking man of mystery) tell story after story as he shapes an urban farm view of the future.



And no eating okra right of the plant, crispy like a po-tater chip.



No riding my bicylce thru East Point and having the girls outside the hair salon yell "You know you're wearing a helmet, right?"

I know, I know.



It does mean time to post on a blog. To build a blog cabin.



Time to take notes from Food Not Lawns and French Fries in the Food System for a possible Childrens Programming position at an organic farm in Deacatur.



Time to think of Sadi driving the Rav 4 up and down douglasville, his face bobbing and smiling as people stare at all the drawings he wanted to stay on. There's a giraffe on the roof. And a "I love Chocolate" on one of the headlights.


Time to wonder about the fact that I've done no volunteering of late. Except for wonderroot, which is more planting/bouncing around/music time than it is volunteering.

No processed food November. Are you ready?

p.s. - Love is Love farm became Love is Love swamp in the floods. New York Times, NPR, Georgia Fram Monitor and many others have been following their wet and soggy existence.

p.p.s - everyone move to Chicago on November 20th. I'll be there.

Billy

I was just about to write an irritated letter to the Times Magazine when I read an uppity piece of advice in their Food issue that included something along the lines of "I don't eat 'fake' things, if I want a burger, I will eat a real burger".

Then I turned the page and found this really beautiful moving article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/11/magazine/11foer-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine

Finding out Jonathan Safran Foer was a vegetarian was even better than finding out Alec Baldwin was.

But I still might write that letter.

Et au dela de pour moi...

I have been meaning to post something, but I am doing this thing called school again for the first time in over a year and I forgot how time consuming it is. However, today is Friday and the beauty of Friday is that you get to procrastinate everything until Sunday night when you no longer have enough time to do everything you are suppose to do. Anyway, life is great right now. I am happy and content. Coaching hasn't been the most spectacular experience of my life but I do really like the kids. And other than that, I just pretty much live a simple awesome life. Plus, I am not getting more and more excited about school and where I want to go which is making it all the better. I can't really complain about anything. I am taking organic chemistry and I thought I would hate it, but really I love it. It is nerdarific but I enjoy it. Well that's it for me. Cool blog!

On the other hand

A light-hearted post to counter the one from Monday.

Yesterday a kindergartener got mad at me, narrowed his eyes, and hissed, "I'm going to give you a vampire for your birthday." And I thought IH was the only place to get gems like that.

As I drove on a major highway in NJ on this sunny morning I saw a white van pass me by, and the weather and the time of day made me a little nostalgic. Partially because I was driving alone and partially because I couldn't half-nap because of the afore-mentioned solitary status.

Here is a list of reasons why I am excited about going to grad school/becoming a librarian:

I like taking notes in black, inky pens.
I like new notebooks.
It's going to be nice to go from kindergarten to a classroom of smart adults some days.
I feel like my adult life is really shaping up.
I get to use a gym for free again.
I get to take a class called "storytelling" and one about gender and culturally-sensitive books for children.
I will not have to give up my love of fairly intense jewelry to fit in with a corporate environment.
I can perfect my dirty look/shhhh-ing sound in a professional environment.
I will get to do messy art projects with kids.
Also, scavenger hunts.
Also, puppet theater.
Also, book clubs.
Also, movie discussions.
Also, anything I want.
Which means that my wide spectrum of interests and passions can all be included into my daily life. Does it get any better?
But I don't have to do the constant hounding of kids to put away toys, etc., like I have to do now.
My favorite parts of kindergarten right now are reading whatever books I want to the kids
As my sister once said, being the children's librarian is like being the good cop vs. a teacher being the bad cop.
Maybe I will get my own office where I can put this.
I can be as weird as I want, every day at work. Or as normal.
I get to be a professional book-recommender, which is one of my favorite things to do now
I can buy nerdy shirts about how important it is to love your librarian


The only down-side I see so far is the fact that being a young adult librarian probably requires me to read the Twilight books.

It looks a lot of different ways

I fell off the service wagon, but I'm climbing back on, in small ways. Starting a service project today with my kindergarten kids. I believe that when you feel lost in your own worries a good way to find yourself is by involving yourself in the lives and needs of others. But the good feelings aren't really transferable. Just because you're doing good things doesn't mean you stop feeling sick about bad things. And by doing good things to escape pervasive thoughts of bad things, are you somehow cheapening the effort you put forth to be of service? I think that if you are actively looking for ways to serve, regardless of how you feel, your effort counts as basically selfless. Service has always been about feeling the need to even the gap between myself and people who have not been given half the chances and support I have been. I scoffed at people who saw the past year as merely a way of figuring out what they wanted in life, but in actually doing so, am I just perpetuating service as a selfish act.

I remember my mom having this conversation with my sister about ten years ago, about the nature of altruism. My mom seemed to believe that the act of service itself was what mattered, that as long as things were done for others, the motive didn't matter. I don't really agree with that, but my mom seems oddly selfless in the efforts she puts forth. I really don't like the feeling of service as a means of mental peace for myself. But maybe if it doesn't work (which it will probably not), I will escape the guilt.

Service can look a lot of different ways, but it can probably feel even more different ways.

It sounds like a situation I would get in that would force me to climb over a gate everytime I wanted to leave my own damn house.

Toledo Ohio. Thats where I live. Moved in with a wonderful family that asks for dirt cheap rent in exchange for helping renovate the house a little bit, make a meal or two a week, and help with their daughter. Dirt cheap. like 50 bones cheap. The family functions as some sort of a urban homestead situation. We have chickens, ducks, bees, and a pretty big garden for the size. The house was built in the late 1890's by the richest of the richest of the rust belt. Its about 10 blocks from the city center and 2 blocks from Toledo's badass art Museum. All the houses around here have their own carriage houses turned apartments and range in condition from true slum to million dollar homes. Quite a social annomally. Its rather fun.

I believe the two adults living here want more adults living here too. I on the other hand would like to explore further communal living. Communal living that doesn't entail no oven and eating alone, but rather shared expenses and investment in really badass indevours. Im optomistic these days. Thats nice. I feel like in Georgia I was a hot mess of emotions, im reaquanting myself with more consistant good feelings.

I met a boy recently which is fun. He lives in Virginia which is not fun and he is 40 years old which is just bizarre.

It's Official.

I officially became a California resident yesterday. I have a California driver's license and can vote in the state that elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor, however, I still don't have a job - so we'll see how long this lasts.

I had an interview with California's version of Inner Harbour today. If I get this job I'll be working as a Classroom Counselor - being a teacher's aide in a psychiatric treatment facility for kids. Sound familiar?

I may not have a job, but I do have a part in a play. This is my first acting job that pays more than imdb credit and a copy of the dvd. It's not much, but it is money. I'll be playing a soldier who goes AWOL from basic training on his way to Vietnam, and who plans on blowing up the pope. Now, I know what you're thinking, and to answer your question: yes, I will be using a Brooklyn accent, and, yes, I will be tackling a nun to the ground.

I like it out here pretty well. The people are cool and there's lots to do. I would like it more if I had a job, but what can you do? Before I came out here I found out that I had one friend from college who had recently moved to the area. He let me stay at his place and helped me get acquainted to the area until I found my own place. Unfortunately, this is a friend that I intentionally cut out of my life and planned on never having to see again. In a nutshell, I hate him. He's a horrible person, and spending time with him feels like slowly shoving an ice pick into my lungs. I feel obligated to hang out with him because he was so nice in helping me get set up and such. Plus, he calls like every other day and wants to do something. So I can only feign excuses like twice a week.

I live one block from the library. It's magical. I also live in a gated community, but I was never given a key to the gate. It's not a problem when I'm coming in - because I can just punch in the access code and get the car gates to open. But when I'm leaving on foot I've had more trouble. For the past month or so I've been climbing the gate when no one's looking. My roommate told me yesterday that there's another gate that doesn't need a key for you to exit.

I've watched 'The House Bunny' twice since I've been here.

I hope everyone's doing well. I miss you all terribly.

No community cabin, but...

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/01/garden/01collective.html?_r=1&8dpc

This article reminds me of living at the campsite. While there are certainly things I don't miss, like having no oven to make cakes in, those months with no hot water, and peeing either outside or a football field away from my house, there are little pieces of communal living that stuck with me. I find myself eating alone with the same frequency, and while the food quality is much better, it's not the same as finding myself microwaving my dinner at the same time as Nick, or trying food that Emily made and the vegetarian conversations that happened concurrently. I don't miss the smells or the crowded feeling I felt for 10 months, but I do miss the people.

It seems I'm always missing people.

I hope that this was the last time that I live communally. My next living arrangement is ideally with just one person (and a dog). But for some people communal living is ideal. I was grateful for several people I lived with the whole time I was in a cabin, but I never stopped wishing for a stove, an oven, and my family.

I am rambling because I have important things to do, like going to work.

Pavlovian e-mail response

Looking at the lodge menu still makes my stomach a little queasy.

I'm going to miss my IH e-mail account when it disappears. I like the weird spying ability that it gives me.

Post-Service

Go For It, Y'all.