It looks a lot of different ways

I fell off the service wagon, but I'm climbing back on, in small ways. Starting a service project today with my kindergarten kids. I believe that when you feel lost in your own worries a good way to find yourself is by involving yourself in the lives and needs of others. But the good feelings aren't really transferable. Just because you're doing good things doesn't mean you stop feeling sick about bad things. And by doing good things to escape pervasive thoughts of bad things, are you somehow cheapening the effort you put forth to be of service? I think that if you are actively looking for ways to serve, regardless of how you feel, your effort counts as basically selfless. Service has always been about feeling the need to even the gap between myself and people who have not been given half the chances and support I have been. I scoffed at people who saw the past year as merely a way of figuring out what they wanted in life, but in actually doing so, am I just perpetuating service as a selfish act.

I remember my mom having this conversation with my sister about ten years ago, about the nature of altruism. My mom seemed to believe that the act of service itself was what mattered, that as long as things were done for others, the motive didn't matter. I don't really agree with that, but my mom seems oddly selfless in the efforts she puts forth. I really don't like the feeling of service as a means of mental peace for myself. But maybe if it doesn't work (which it will probably not), I will escape the guilt.

Service can look a lot of different ways, but it can probably feel even more different ways.